All Or Nothing
by InkStainedFingertips
Summary: Song fic; sort of a prequel to my soon to be posted Fi/Carey saga "To Where You Are." Ryan Ollman (Second Generation) ponders his relationship with Fiona Phillips.


Author's Note: All copyrights to "So Weird" and "All or Nothing" belong to the wonderful people at the wonderful world of Disney and to O-Town, respectively.  
  
Author's Note, Part 2: Can anyone tell me why is that when I type in my fanfiction.net profile page url, it says "user does not exist?" I'm still writing and posting stuff, aren't I?  
  
Author's Note, Part Three: I'm not normally a big fan of O-Town, but this particular song kind of gets to me. Maybe it's because my ex-boyfriend sent me that so to explain how he felt…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I know when he's been on your mind  
  
That distant look is in your eyes  
  
I hoped in time you'd realise it's over  
  
Over  
  
  
  
  
  
New Year's Eve in Times Square. What a sight to behold. Throngs of people were crammed in this brightly lit, festive section of New York City. Just a few feet away from me, Linkin Park is rocking out in a make-shift stage, courtesy of MTV. High above on a platform, that slightly cross-eyed blonde singer---I think her name is Willa---smoozing with an MTV veejay, Suchin Pak. Probably acting as commentators for that live New Year's Eve special thing MTV always does.  
  
I look to my left and smiled. Even after all these years, Fiona Phillips still had the power to take my breath away, to make me feel weak in the knees. Tonight she looks like an angel; a beautiful angel. Her light brown hair hung to her waist in soft waves, just grazing the amazingly soft- looking skin that peeked out from the burgundy one-shouldered top she wore.  
  
She looks so happy, so free…but when she turned to look up at me, her smile didn't quite reach her face. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it felt like she wasn't all there. She was with me, but not really with me.  
  
And I knew exactly why  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It's not the way I choose live  
  
But somewhere  
  
Something's got to give  
  
As sharing this relationship gets older  
  
Older  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I know that she's thinking about him. Although she hardly ever mentions his name, I know that it's him she is always thinking about. Carey. Carey Bell. Oh, they never went out or anything; they were simply the best of friends. Knew each other for the longest time. Tall, blonde, with piercing blue eyes; Carey Bell is like a modern day Adonis. The embodiment of the sculpture "David," even.  
  
"Ryan? Are you having fun, sweetie?" Fiona asks, giving me yet another one of her patented, mega watt smiles.  
  
I couldn't help but smile back at her. "Yes, everything is just perfect." I lied.  
  
  
  
  
  
You know I'd fight for you  
  
But how can I fight someone who isn't even there?  
  
I've had the rest of you,  
  
Now I want the best of you  
  
I don't care if that's not fair  
  
  
  
  
  
I'm a certified genius. I scored a perfect 1600 on my SAT at the age of 6. I graduated from Oxford University in England as valedictorian at the age of 11. At the age of 13, I was a professor of genetics. I was able to successfully do cloning on tarsiers. I am thisclose to finding the cure to Huntington's disease.  
  
But yet, I would give it all up in a heartbeat.  
  
With all my knowledge and degrees and awards, I cannot begin to understand the complexity of love. It frustrates me, being the scientist that I am, that Fiona cannot love me the way that I love her. Can't there be any miracle cure? No scientific formulas to figure out?  
  
I was the first and so far only boyfriend Fiona has ever had, and I was her first kiss. And yet, that means nothing. It means nothing because I am not nor will ever be Fiona's first love. Nor am I her true love.  
  
No, no, no. Those honours belong to a simple minded, mousse-and-gel- addicted guitarist named Carey Bell.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Is it all or nothing at all?  
  
There's nowhere left to go  
  
When you've reached the bottom it's now or never  
  
Is it all?  
  
Or are we just friends?  
  
Is this how it ends?  
  
With a simple telephone call  
  
You leave me here with nothing at all…  
  
  
  
  
  
"9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Happy New Year!"  
  
All of Times Square erupted in deafening cheers as the clock struck midnight and the ball finally dropped. Fiona wrapped her arms around my neck for the requisite midnight kiss that couples adhere to.  
  
I closed my eyes and tried to lose myself in that searing kiss, but those plague my mind as they often do. Does she know she's kissing me? Or does she see him when she closes her eyes?  
  
I guess I won't ever know.  
  
But for now, I'm willing to live my life in a make-believe, knowing I could one day wake up and find myself in the land of reality. 


End file.
